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HOW TO BECOME A 6' 3½" COAT RACK

Apart from "Why do you suck so much?" and "Are you sure you put deodorant on this morning?" the most common question I get is, "How'd you get to be so tall, and how can I get to be your size?" This being a slow week for Christian music news, I thought I'd answer it.
  1. Eat.
    It doesn't hurt to be large when you slip out of the womb (I was apparently 10 lbs or so), but you can always make up for a length shortage by scarfing down anything edible. I recommend starting with milk (or pablum, if you can stand it), and then onto pureed bananas. But by the time you're 3 months old, though, you should be eating steak. Big, juicy, protein-rich steak. Lack of teeth can be a problem, but a good blender can fix that.

  2. Start working out.
    No, it won't help you grow, but eating so much will stretch you out in no time. And nobody wants to look like a string bean. How soon is too soon? Use this simple rule: as soon as you're able to sit up, do it often.

  3. Be wary of attempts to feed you coffee.
    My dad used to joke that he would start putting a cinder block on my head if I didn't stop growing. Once, he actually tried to do it. Always be aware of attempts to stunt your growth. They all work.

  4. Pick out the meanest kid in your school and start him on this program.
    Being the tallest person on the playground isn't always as glamorous as it sounds. Until you gain coordination, it's best to find your nastiest classmate (often also the shortest) and turn him into a string bean too. At worst, you'll have someone to play basketball with at recess.

  5. Sleep. Lots.
    They say you grow faster when you sleep. I can't vouch for that, but I spend about 26 hours a day between the covers. If you're not sleeping at least that much, I can't help you.

  6. Learn how to play basketball.
    Let's face it. It will be expected of you. And even Yao Ming (90 inches) had to learn how to shoot before he got drafted into the NBA.

The Guarantee
The "Coat Rack" system isn't for everyone, and it has its drawbacks (I won't be held responsible, by the way, if you end up more like an egg than a rake). But it's more or less how I became 6' 3½" tall. If it doesn't work for you, I'll reimburse every cent you paid to read this.
- Ben Forrest
March 2003
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